i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize