I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
my liver is dry heaving
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
