i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
