if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize