One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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