hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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