I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
