he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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