So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
