I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
