Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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