The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You're like the curious george of whores
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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