How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
