how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
