i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just had sex on a roof
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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