You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
