That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
