Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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