just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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