More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
