i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
