why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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