We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
