I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
