I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
