Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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