giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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