shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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