I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize