i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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