That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
