I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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