you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
