I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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