12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Even my vagina gasped.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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