Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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