i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You brought string cheese to the strip club
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
