i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
