So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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