On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
