It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
