are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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