Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
