Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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