apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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