he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
