This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
