My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
we should paint friendship bongs
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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