he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize