Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
