life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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