I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize