well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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