Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
