Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize