I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
