I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
