Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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