Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
how drunk are you?
Several
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
